INT: OK, I don't even know everybody's names. I'm Candace.
GREG: I'm Greg.
CHUCK: My name's Chuck. That's Emil, there's Dez over there, and Henry. (pointing at imaginary non-present band members)
INT: Do you want to wait for everyone?
GREG: No, we'll never be able to...we have to leave.
CHUCK: We'll never be able to get everybody, so...
INT: Let's do it. How about we do five questions?
INT: Tell me your scariest experience so far, on the road.
CHUCK: I know that.
GREG: My scariest is, uh, when I got bullets thrown at me. And I look, and there's bullets up there on stage, and I went, "What the fuck is this?", you know, I didn't know if people were throwing them or what they were doing.
CHUCK: That was in England. The scariest for me, in a long long time, was when I was sleeping, I was real sick, and I was sleeping in the back of the van, and all of a sudden the back of the van is filled with acrid oil smoke, coming through the van, and I knew the car was on fire. I jumped out, and grabbed a pillow, and everybody ran around like chickens without heads, and got the thing put out. That's the scariest thing, cause I was like lying underneath the car with a fucking pillow trying to beat this flame out, knowing the gas tank was up above it.
INT: That does sound scary. What's the difference between Vancouver crowds and LA crowds? Going on last night.
GREG: They say, "eh?" And they say "aboat", "aboat", not "about". How do you say about? (comparisons ensue, not lendable to print) It's like, we don't have boats, we don't say a-boat.
CHUCK: That's the biggest difference.
INT: What was the purpose of slowing down your show halfway through? Doing that pace change.
CHUCK: What pace change?
INT: Went on for about ten minutes.
GREG: Oh, Damaged I.
CHUCK: Cause that's a song.
INT: I sort of had the idea that there was crowd control involved, cause they had to turn on the lights and stuff.
CHUCK: No, we turned the lights on so that like, everybody was like, fully, what's the word, bombarded, and nobody could hide. You know, there's nobody in the corner who's like, what's the word, anonymous. No anonymity.
GREG: We like to see people, I mean, people see us, and we see people. We see them backstabbers out there, and we also see our bros. We know they're out there, we KNOW they're out there someplace.
CHUCK: I just like lights, I'm not into dark rooms, myself. You know, I mean, I'm not enamoured by opium dens. I like it when it's bright.
GREG: A lot of places you'd rather just play with the lights on, because it's not as if it's a show, it's more like getting this thing happening with the crowd. You can see people's eyes, their faces, and there's more of a direct communication possible there.
CHUCK: And people are more part of what's going on, just by virtue of the fact that they're not so...umm, darkness...you ever put a bag over a birdcage?
CHUCK: Well the birds go to sleep instantly.
INT: Oh yeah, of course.
GREG: A lot of times there's people at a club or concert or whatever, and you just feel like they're kind of isolated, it's almost like they're watching TV or something. We're not interested in being somebody's TV.
(Mugger, road crew person, enters)
MUGGER: We bailin'?
GREG: Soon. Get everything happening.
MUGGER: Well everything IS happening, totally in the van...oh, are you doing an interview?
MUGGER: Oh, excuse me.
GREG: The Nigheist is the greatest, you can say that.
MUGGER: Yeah, hey! Fuck the Nigheist! Nigheist comes in your mouth, not in your hands!
INT: How do you spell that?
MUGGER: N-I-G-H-E-I-S-T. (leaves)
INT: Who is that?
GREG: That is the Nigheist singer. Who is also our sound man.
CHUCK: The Nigheist roadies happen too.
GREG: They've got a single out now. Their motto is "The Nigheist comes in your mouth, not in your hands".
INT: (doubtfully) That's nice. What about you for vinyl? Oh, I guess the album was the last thing. Or was it?
GREG: We have a new EP out now too. Two new songs on it.
INT: Is it available up here?
GREG: Not here. It'll filter up.
CHUCK: (helpfully) It's out 150 miles south of here.
GREG: And we'll be working on new stuff.
INT: The drummer, Emil, is he staying with you? There was lots of nasty rumours that Chuck's going down with you, and I see he's downstairs.
GREG: No, it's not nasty. Emil was gonna quit, because, you know, we've been playing for two months straight and he just isn't into being on the road, so to speak, you know, for just constant periods of time, which is our plans, and he has a girlfriend and this whole thing at home. And he's worked out so great, you know, and we're like great friends, it's just, it's a shame, but he wants to be able to stay home and hang out there. Some people just find out that they're not into the constant travelling and playing someplace different every day, for a period of months at a time.
CHUCK: And the constant, like, putting yourself so totally on the line like that. Every night for a long time, really dumping everything that you have in you. Just playing that hard, and that often.
GREG: Whether you're sick, or whatever.
CHUCK: The total emotional thing all the time like that, it's like, you get yourself up for it, and then it's a big drain. I enjoy it, but, you know, some people like to kick back occasionally.
INT: How do you stay healthy when you're travelling?
GREG: Orange juice, grapefruit.
CHUCK: Sometimes we don't.
GREG: We try to get enough sleep but we never seem to. And a few people got real sick, Emil and Chuck got real sick on this trip. Just cause our schedule was real tight, we didn't have very many days off, and trying to sleep is hard, as you saw...
INT: Oh yeah, last night.
GREG: Just parties all night. The night before was even more so. It's hard to get sleep, that's the main thing; otherwise, it's no problem at all. We try to eat real well.
INT: Are you going to be playing in that thing, Not So Quiet on The Western Front? Is that happening, or is that a rumour?
CHUCK: I haven't been in LA in a month and a half, I don't know anything about it.
INT: Yeah, that's how long you've been touring?
GREG: Two months. I don't know, we've got a lot of plans, so that might not fit in.
CHUCK: If it fits, yeah, otherwise, no.
GREG: We're gonna go back on tour, we're pretty well planned for a little while.
INT: You're going back east?
GREG: Yeah. We've already been back east, we're gonna go again. Play some places we didn't play.
INT: OK, I'll let you guys go, and get to Seattle. Good luck at the border.
GREG: Alright, thanks a lot.
INT: Thank you.
Sunday morning, July 4/82, 11:30. Black Flag are preparing to leave for Seattle, where they are playing that night. Masses of Vancouverites are going with them, including their new drummer, an unknown recruit from the wilds of Port Moody, with the unlikely name of Chuck Biscuits.
Spur-of-the-Moment Productions presents:
CHUCK'S LAST WORDS!!
(cheap journalism at its worst)
CHUCK: You want my last words?
INT: No, besides bye.
CHUCK: What? What am I s'posed to say?
INT: I dunno, I don't know why, just tell me what...um, say anything Chuck; sum up the last five years. Don't just stand there, please.
CHUCK: I don't know what to say.
PAUL: Get closer to the microphone and speak into it.
CHUCK: (grunts loudly) No, I really don't have anything to say.
CHUCK: What, what do you--you make up something.
INT: OK, why Black Flag?
CHUCK: Cause they asked me.
INT: If anybody asked you would you have gone?
CHUCK: Yeah. You gotta keep moving. Y'know, goin'.
INT: You don't think you're moving with DOA?
CHUCK: Not really.
INT: Why not?
CHUCK: Well, maybe I was, but I didn't like playing in it anymore.
CHUCK: 'Cause it was no fun.
CHUCK: 'Cause playing with your brother is like playing with your teacher.
INT: What's it going to be like to play with Black Flag?
CHUCK: I don't know, I'll soon find out.
INT: And you're going to live in LA with them?
CHUCK: Yup. Funfunfun.
PAUL: So when're you coming back up here Biscuits?
CHUCK: Uh, I guess whenever they play here next...(pause to light cigarettes)
CHUCK: Those are my last words, pathetic as they may be.
INT: They are pathetic.
PAUL: Have you got any great expectations?
CHUCK: I don't have anything. I'm just...just sort of bopping along.
INT: OK, let's have your prediction for who's gonna take your place.
CHUCK: Dimwit, he already did.
INT: Oh, right, right.
CHUCK: Yes, and they're gonna get Benny Dono to play bass, arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr.
INT: Maybe, maybe.
CHUCK: That's it.
INT: That's it for Chuck?
CHUCK: That's all you get.
INT: Lemme think of a good question, gimme a break.
CHUCK: How about if I sent down a cartoon for my last words?
INT: Wouldja do that?
CHUCK: Yeah! Gimme your address.
INT: Well, take a magazine. D'you have one?
CHUCK: I had one, but I gave it to Nick, 'cause he was crying.
INT: That's real sweet of you. OK, I'll give you one downstairs.
INT: Say goodbye to somebody you like.
CHUCK: Bye, Justine!
That's it. Aren't you glad you read this? Don't you feel enlightened? Printed verbatim for maximum impact. And will, indeed, there be a cartoon to further clarify and educate? Stay tuned.